8 Precinct Vote Totals Missing From Iowa Caucuses

“The Iowa Republican Party has certified the results of its caucuses earlier this month. Rick Santorum is 34 votes ahead, but the party will not declare a winner because there are missing results in eight precincts. Before the certification process, Mitt Romney had been declared the winner.”

Sorry ’bout the missing precincts. See, what happened was I thought Chester grabbed ‘em, and Chester thought I grabbed ‘em and Rose was cleaning up so she grabbed the box with the coffee urn she brung and there was another box that she brought cups and coffee and napkins and whatnot in and that’s the one we had those precinct votes in…

So she put all this in the back of the truck, and it’s got a topper on it so they was safe…don’t think they wasn’t safe…and she was just plain tuckered out, so when she got home she just left all that in the truck and went to bed.

So the next day Rose had to take her mom Ethel to the doctor, ’cause she just got that hip replaced and it’s hurtin’ her something awful so she had to get it checked out, and she had to take her dog Rufus with her ’cause there wasn’t nobody at home to watch him and when he’s home alone he starts chewing things. So she puts Rufus in the back with all the boxes, ’cause Ethel is just as allergic to him as she could be, and he don’t mind riding back there. ’cause like I said there’s a topper on there, and usually when he rides back there that means he’s going hunting, and he loves that. See when he rides back there that usually means that the front seat has Rose’s husband, one of his buddies and the cooler, so there’s just no room up there for Rufus.

And so Rose and Ethel are there in the from seat, and Rufus is in the back with the coffee urn, the ballots, and a bunch of boxes that Rose wanted to drop off at the Goodwill. So she takes Ethel to the doctor, drops her off and starts off to the Goodwill, but what doesn’t cross her mind is that the street that she has to take from the doctor to the Goodwill is the same street they take when Rufus goes to the vet. Now he’s a smart dog…real class A coon hound…so he figures he’s going to the vet and gets nervous and when Rufus gets nervous he chews things.

Rose should have figured something was up, ’cause she heard some strange noises from the back, but she was almost at the Goodwill and she just figured she’d find out about it when she got there. So she pulls into the parking lot, and turns off the engine and right then she heard “The cow says Moo.” but it didn’t sound quite right and that’s because Rufus had gotten into the boxes for the Goodwill and was just chewin’ the bejeezus out of that old See an’ Say that Bobby used to carry around with him, ’til the school told Rose he should probably leave it home, and she agreed, since they were tryin’ to teach him more advanced things and the See an’ Say was just a distraction, which is why she was takin’ it to the Goodwill. But unfortunately the only reason Rufus had started on that box was that the box that used to have the coffee and napkins and whatnot, the one that had the votes from those missing precincts…well that didn’t interest him any more.

So she opens up the back of the truck and Rufus runs out and it takes her a few minutes to round him up…but there’s just votes and bits of plastic from the See an’ Say and a few other toys and pieces of sweater, some of which were really nice ’cause Rose barely wore them since they were gifts, but just weren’t the type of thing she’d wear. I mean they probably would have made someone real happy, but not after what Rufus done to ‘em.

Anyhoo, we’re tryin’ to piece everything back together, but there’s a lot to go through. Rufus was pretty thorough, and we have to make a guess about what’s a vote and what’s a tooth mark, and since he’s a coon hound he’s a drooler, so that doesn’t make things any easier. Rose feels horrible about the whole thing and she’s been following Rufus around with a stick and fishing out any bits of paper that come out and we told her not to bother, but she insists.

We don’t think Rufus meant anything by it, even though we got him from Des Moines, and you know how those people can be, but far as we can tell Rufus doesn’t really care about politics, he was just afraid he was going to the vet and really who can blame him for being nervous after that one time.

Anyway, we’re pretty sure Santorum won. We’ll let you know.

Tags: Iowa caucus, Politics, Republican, Santorum

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