The Messiah Chronicles
Anyone who knows me will be more than happy to tell you about my belief that if everyone would just listen to me and do as I say the world would be a much better place.
Some call it a Messiah complex. Well what’s the difference between having a so called “complex” and the real thing?
Commitment! It has occurred to me that if I just buckle down and apply myself I could actually cross the line between knowing that I’m the Messiah and convincing the rest of the world.
With that in mind, I will embark on a rigorous training regimen that should, by my calculations, have me ready to assume full blown Messiah-ness by the end of the year. My goal is to perform one miracle a day for the next six months. Give or take.
Since I don’t actually have apostles yet I will be recording my own rise to glory. I am accepting applications, so if you are an apostle looking for a Messiah, drop me a line.
Saturday June 16
I thought it would be best to start working on the whole Messiah thing on a Saturday. That would give me tomorrow off to reflect on my miracle, and by doing a miracle then disappearing for a day…well, it’s good for building up word of mouth.
Unfortunately my first miracle didn’t go so well. I decided to heal a blind child. ‘Cause everybody loves a blind kid, don’t they?. So I figure, heal a blind kid and everybody will go like, “Who was that guy who healed little Timmy?”
But you know what? If you sneak up on a blind kid and put your hands over their eyes…I tell you, they kick, they scream bloody murder…they really freak out!
And then everyone in the neighborhood comes running out, ’cause they all kinda look out for the blind kid. Then they get all huffy and like, “Why were you grabbing the blind kid?” And you tell them, “Hey I was just trying to heal the little bastard!” But they are already into the idea of kicking the crap out of you…
Jesus did most of his miracles on the road, didn’t he? Maybe I should go that route.
Monday June 18
I took Sunday off to reflect on the blind kid miracle. Well, I call it a miracle. More of a debacle, really, but I figure part of being a Messiah is harnessing the power of positive thinking. So what the hell. It was a miracle.
Actually it was a miracle I didn’t get my ass handed to me.
So during this “period of reflection” I figured that I was going about this the wrong way. I’m trying to dive into the really advanced stuff. Like raising the dead and things like that. I need to kind of work my way up to it.
So today’s miracle will be turning water into coffee. I could do wine, but that’s real A level stuff. Jesus didn’t do wine right out of the gate, did he? I’ll have to remember to look that up. The point is I just have to keep reminding myself, “Baby steps. Just take it slow and easy.”
Something that occurred to me yesterday… Jews never did accept the idea of Jesus as “Messiah.” So I’m going to have to get used to the idea that I’m going to meet some resistance. I’m thinking gypsies. I have a feeling that they aren’t going to be won over very easily. And those Dianetics people are going to be a tough sell, but frankly, they’re nuts anyway. I’m not sure I want them on my team.
Side note: I did receive one application for a possible apostle. He doesn’t have any fishing on his resume, but he did manage a Kinko’s for a couple of years. I’ll call him in for an interview.
Tuesday June 19
The “water into coffee” miracle was a success. Not right away, of course, but I am just starting. I had to make several pots before the coffee turned out right. The first pot or two came out a bit too weak.
I am learning that my gift does have a down side. I was doing the “water into coffee” miracle, and of course I’m a perfectionist so I really wouldn’t be happy with sub standard coffee. So I personally tested every pot. Well, long story short…by the middle of the day I was completely wired.
So I started a whole series of water-based miracles. I turned water into orange juice, water into Kool-Aid (Tropical Punch and Very Berry), water into iced tea… I just couldn’t stop. I have to develop a bit more self control. I don’t want to get pigeon holed into being the water-miracle-Messiah.
On the up side (still working on the positive thought stuff) I am a few miracles ahead of schedule. So I might take today off. I don’t want to burn out. I have to pace myself.
Still only that one application for apostle. A bit disappointing. And here’s the worst part, most of the local papers refuse to run my ad. In fact the guy at the Chicago Tribune was downright condescending. I made a mental note to smite him when my skills are up to snuff. I know it sounds extreme, but he really pissed me off. And I think I might be more of an Old Testament Messiah anyway. Vengeful and cranky.
Wednesday June 20
Walked across the bathtub today. No water in it, I just kinda wanted to get the feel of it. Plus I’m trying to lay off the water stuff.
It’s natural to want to specialize. You have a couple successes and you figure, “There we go! I’ve got it!” But a true Messiah can’t stop there. A fat lot of good water miracles are going to do when someone is paying you to raise the dead.
That’s another thing. How much do you charge for miracles? I know originally miracles were done pretty much for free, but the cost of living has gone up quite a bit since, and I’ve gotta pay rent. I’d like to keep my rates competitive, but I can’t find any other Messiahs to get an idea of what they are charging.
I interviewed Randy, the guy who wants to be an apostle. He seems okay. He either didn’t mind that he wasn’t going to be paid at first or he didn’t quite grasp the concept. He kept talking about medical plans and stuff like that. I told him that I’d be more than happy to do any medical miracles at a reduced rate, once I figure out what the going rate is.
He did seem qualified for the job, which I’ve kind of narrowed down to:
A) Writing my gospel.
B) Spreading the word that the Messiah has come.
C) Answering phones and some light bookkeeping.
I think he’ll be particularly good at spreading the word, because he says he spends a lot of time in bars.
Thursday June 21
I think I might go into a bit of prophesy on the side. I’m a bit ahead of schedule on the miracles, so rather than just rest on my laurels it might work to my advantage to get some experience in other areas.
Today I accurately predicted lunch. I had a premonition that a turkey sandwich would be nice, and that’s exactly what I had. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I just knew. I didn’t see the potato chips or the pickle, but they came with the sandwich, so…
A bit of disturbing news on the logistic front. Randy informs me that looking for other Messiahs to compare rates is pretty much pointless, because there is apparently supposed to be only one of them. I had been operating on the idea that there was a union somewhere, but this information really makes me reevaluate my whole plan. I had no idea this was such a competitive field.
It does, however, mean that I can pretty much set the going rate. I don’t want to go overboard, but if I’m going to be the only Messiah my price structure should reflect that.
I’m also looking into more animal related stuff. I’ve always thought that the whole St. Francis thing was pretty cool. I know he was only a saint, but he had some good ideas. It might increase my marketability if I could put “can talk to animals” on my business cards. People love shit like that.
Friday June 22
Went to the Cubs game today. All it did was reinforce my original idea that even the presence of the Messiah can’t keep the Cubs from blowing it in the ninth inning. I accurately prophesied that one as well. Two for two on the prophecy.
On a down note, looked up “leprosy” on the internet. No way! I’m not touching that one. It’s disgusting! Sure, Jesus did a lot of stuff with lepers but hygiene standards were a bit lower then. I’m just totally grossed out by that.
That doesn’t make me a bad Messiah, does it? Of course the fact that I’m questioning my own abilities makes me humble, which is good for business. I just don’t think I could handle the whole leper thing without yacking up my lunch. That would just erode worshiper confidence. I mean think about it. If Jesus had hoarked up the minute he touched a leper…Well, I think there would be a lot more Hindus and stuff, if you know what I mean.
Not that there are people lined up around the block to worship me. I think I just have to come up with a snappy name. Christianity has a nice ring to it. It flows. Same with Judaism, Buddhism… I tell you, it’s all in the marketing.
I was thinking about calling my religion Sufism, but Randy says that’s already been used.
Randy is starting to piss me off.
Saturday June 23
The whole issue of naming this religion has been weighing on me. I can’t really expect people to go out and start building churches if they don’t know what to call them. Oh, well. It’ll come to me.
Worked a bit on the talking to animals thing. Went to the zoo, but got kicked out before I could get any real work done. It wasn’t my fault. That gibbon was just plain rude. Here I am, trying to have a nice, pleasant conversation with him, and he starts throwing shit at me.
So I throw it back. I know I’m supposed to be all, “They are all my children,” and like that, but if they want to start something, come on down! I’ll take you on, you furry little bastard!
Anyway, apparently there’s this zoo rule. The animals can throw anything they want at you, but if you throw stuff at them you have to leave. Hardly seems fair, but the security guards didn’t seem to care too much about fairness.
On the way home I told a couple of squirrels about it and asked them to tell their friends. They seemed to understand. Maybe they just wanted a piece of my sandwich, but they really seemed to be listening. If they do what I told them to, then that gibbon had better watch his back.
That’ll teach him to mess with the Messiah…
Monday June 25
I got a visit from the Chicago Police yesterday. Apparently, when I was trying to heal the blind kid, the little bastard grabbed my wallet. I think I managed to convince them that it was all a misunderstanding. They gave me my wallet back and told me not to go near the kid again. No problem there. From now on, as far as I’m concerned, the blind stay blind.
I’ve been thinking about the way Jesus went about this whole thing, and I seem to remember something about him wandering around the desert for a while. Maybe I should do that. I haven’t had a vacation for a while. So I’m thinking about going to Vegas for a few days. It’s in the desert and I’m pretty sure that if I’m going to be tempted by Satan, Vegas would be a good place to find him.
I’m not sure if I’ve made a good choice in apostles. Not that I’m flooded with applications, but Randy’s negative attitude is starting to bother me. He doesn’t seem to really believe in me.
And he just lets the phone ring. Doesn’t even make a move to answer it. I have no way of knowing how many potential worshippers have just given up because my apostle thinks that playing solitaire on the computer is more important than spreading my gospel.
Randy says that most of the calls he’s answered have been from people wanting me to change my long distance carrier. So? That’s another person on the end of the line! Spread my damn gospel!
He claims he’s tried, but they just hang up on him. I think he’s lying. I’ve talked to those people. They don’t hang up on anybody.
If he doesn’t shape up by the end of the week, he’s out on his ass.
Tuesday June 26
The big problem here is that I am so tied down with promotion and marketing that I haven’t really had time to focus on the real issue, which is performing miracles. I haven’t even had a chance to practice.
I wonder if Jesus had this problem. Probably not. I mean, the world was a lot smaller then. Sure he didn’t have the benefits of computers or television, but he covered a lot of ground. On foot, no less. Of course he had a staff of twelve. I just have Randy.
I’ve been thinking about starting an outreach program. If I can just find a group of people that I can win over without really putting too much effort into it, then I can put them to work on the administrative stuff while I get down to the real business.
I’m thinking the Amish. They don’t live in the real world anyway. I figure I go in there with a Zippo lighter and they’re going to call it a miracle. Yeah, I’ll do the Zippo thing, and they’ll be all like, “Look, he makes fire with one hand!” Then I follow up with a quick water miracle and boom, they’re off the farm and on the street preaching my gospel.
That should free me up to get my skills up to par. And on a nice side note, I can tell Randy to shove off.
Wednesday June 27, 2001
Do I come up with the rituals or do my followers? I’d like some sort of parade, but I don’t know how “hands on” to be in this area. If I leave it to my worshippers I might wind up with something stupid, so…
I’ve been thinking about talking to some people in the religion business. Doing a market survey or something like that. Just asking a few questions about what they look for in a Messiah, things like that. There is a church in my neighborhood. Maybe I can get a meeting with the head guy. Pick his brain a bit.
Randy may have actually saved his own neck today. He brought up the idea of maybe finding a corporate sponsor. I know a lot of businesses fund religion as a tax write off, so it’s not too far fetched. I could do a sermon or something and just be drinking a Coke or eating a Snickers. I’ll give Randy another week for that one. Good idea.
It has come to my attention that there is a guy who claims to be the Messiah hanging out on the corner by The Gap downtown. I have to check this out. If he’s got followers, or he’s stealing my stuff (i.e. water miracles) then we have a problem here.
I do have to brace myself for the possibility that he is better at it than I am. If that’s the case, I’ll just watch and learn. I figure that falls under the “humility” thing I need to work on.
Thursday June 28
Had a meeting with Father Janowicz at the church on the corner. No problem getting the meeting (business not going too well?) but keeping this guy on track…man. Yack, yack yack.
I started off by asking him, kind of casually, what he wanted out of a Messiah. I tell you, don’t get this guy started. Jesus this, Jesus that. He just thought that Jesus was the best thing since sliced bread.
And the things he’s expecting from a Messiah are just plain unreasonable. Most of them are impossible or just plain bad business. Dying for everyone’s sins, protection from evil… Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that whole protection thing kinda “Godfather-ish?”
Oh, and he wants to be able to call on me, any time, day or night! I don’t know about anybody else, but if I don’t get a full eight hours sleep, I’m useless. You call me at four o’clock in the morning, you know what you’re going to get? A cranky Messiah and a crappy miracle, that’s what.
About midway into the conversation I realize that he isn’t even interested in helping a young Messiah just starting out. He’s trying to sell me on his Messiah! At that point I just started nodding and smiling and trying to figure out how to gracefully ease out of the situation.
I just hope the Amish are going to be a bit more understanding about my needs.
Friday June 29
Picked up a loaf of bread and some fish sticks, but I can’t crack this one. Closest I can get is feeding a party of five. Even then I have to add a salad or nobody really gets enough to eat. This one’s got me stumped.
I did successfully cure a headache today. A friend of mine had a hangover, so I did the “laying on hands” bit. I might have cheated just a little, ’cause I kind of massaged his temples a bit. But it doesn’t say anywhere that you can’t do that. Anyway, a couple of hours later and the headache was gone. He didn’t seem really surprised. In fact he said hangovers just kind of go away after a while. But I think we all know what really happened.
I’m just going to have to get used to having my divinity questioned. There are going to be people who just can’t, or don’t want to believe. It really takes every ounce of self control I’ve got to keep from smiting them. I suppose it will be easier when I have a couple more apostles. Now I know why big business hot shots always keep a couple of “yes men” floating around. You need someone to boost your self confidence every so often.
Randy said he has a friend who might be interested, but he could only apostle at night, because he works at the Walgreens during the day. I’ll give him a shot. I just can’t afford to be too picky right now.
Saturday June 30
Went downtown to check out the competition. I’m not worried.
I was all prepared to find a real threat. A genuine street corner Messiah in a long white robe, doling out free miracles to anyone who wanted them. Something like that can really play havoc with the market. Instead I found a guy who looked like he hadn’t bathed in a month screaming about how God had sent him to punish unbelievers. He also claimed that the president had been replaced by a robot that was being controlled by the Chinese. The only miracle this guy was able to pull off was not falling over.
I did pick up a couple of pointers. He had a nice fire-and-brimstone quality that really worked for him. It helped that he smelled like urine, but I’m not willing to carry it that far. But he did scare the crap out of everyone in the area. Wouldn’t be a bad skill to have in my bag of tricks.
On the whole, not a threat. Everyone just seemed to think he was nuts. I think people are looking for something a bit more professional out of their Messiah. At the very least a Messiah who bathes and has a modicum of bladder control.
I tried to kill two birds with one stone. There’s a Shriner’s temple downtown, so I decided to stop by and throw any money changers out. Didn’t seem to be any around. So I vandalized an ATM on the corner. I figured that was at least close to the temple. And the whole money changer thing isn’t the problem it used to be.
Monday July 2
Screw the Amish! Snooty bastards…
I got in my car and drove all the way to this Amish community south of here. After a two hour drive these people refused to even talk to me! I don’t know who they think they are, but when the Messiah comes to you, the very least you can do is listen to what he has to say. They put on this whole “simple people living a simple life” act, but they are just a bunch of elitist snobs.
I parked the car, and walk up to the first guy I see dressed in black with a funny hat. And I’m very polite.
“Hi, I’m the Messiah. What’s your name?”
Boom, he’s off like a shot. Runs into a house nearby, and I’m thinking, “Okay, he just met the Messiah, he’s a bit freaked out.” Next thing I know there’s about a dozen old farts, dressed like they’ve been rehearsing a Thanksgiving pageant, shaking prehistoric farming tools at me and “rebuking” me, whatever the hell that means.
Then I guess I kind of lost it and said a few very un-Messiah-like things. I know, I have to get the temper under control. Now the women come out and start beating me with sticks. I felt like a god damned piñata! I barely made it back to the car.
Fine. They can have their barn raisings and their “thee’s” and “thou’s.” (Who talks like that? Seriously.) Part of my gospel, from this point on, is that the Lord hates the Amish. And as soon as I get my shit together they are going to get one mother of a plague. I’m thinking locusts that carry leprosy.
And when they come to me going, “Help me, Messiah! I’m up to my rotting ass in locusts…” I’ll be all like, “Should have thought of that before you came at me with a pitchfork, Jebediah.”
Tuesday July 3
Randy brought his friend by. Seems like an okay guy, but he was a bit evasive when I asked him if he believed in me. No problem. We can work on that. So now I have two apostles; Randy and Tony. Randy’s got the day shift and Tony is picking up the nights. Two down, ten to go.
Do you have any idea how tough it is to find locusts when you need them? I want to get started on the Amish plague (they really pissed me off) and so I need to figure out how to get a bunch of locusts, infect them with leprosy, and train them to attack any guy with a beard and no mustache. But I’ll be damned if I can find any locusts to practice with. I did find some crickets in a pet store, but it’s not the same. A plague of crickets seems just mildly annoying, not pee-your-pants spooky.
Yesterday really threw me off my game. I was so sure that the Amish would be thrilled. I really didn’t expect the response I got. Is that what it’s going to be like? Am I going to have to scrounge for believers and just take what I get?
Maybe so. Maybe I was a bit optimistic in thinking that there was a group out there just pre-made for this type of thing. Makes me think back to the crazy Messiah in front of The Gap. No wonder he’s nuts. This can really eat away at you.
I guess the lesson here is that believers don’t grow on trees. If that is the case, I’m going to have to be nicer to Randy.
Wednesday July 4
Fourth of July. Normally a holiday, but a conscientious Messiah can’t afford to take a day off. That’s just the way it is.
I did a bit of research and noticed that Jesus did a lot of exorcisms. Expelling demons and stuff like that. It kind of made me rethink this whole thing just a bit. Really what it boils down to is good versus evil. I’m good, and I have to fight evil.
Really that’s easier said than done. Sure I could go into some of the nastier parts of town and do battle with the gangs and drug dealers, but those people have guns! I’m not up to that just yet. I know that eventually I’ll be able to repel bullets, but until I’m really sure I don’t want to take the risk.
So what kind of evil can I fight? I know there is evil out there that doesn’t have guns, but that’s a little tougher to spot. The whole “casting out demons” thing used to be a lot easier, I think. It’s easy to spot a demon possession when somebody’s head is spinning in circles and they start chucking up pea soup everywhere.
I think demons figured out that they were being a bit too obvious. So now they are doing things a bit more subtly. Out with the talking backwards and levitating. In with contract negotiations and litigation.
That’s kind of tough for me, because part of my reason for wanting to become a Messiah was so I didn’t have to go back to college. But if a Messiah needs a law degree…
Screw it. It’s a holiday. I’m taking today off.
Thursday July 5
Okay, so I got a bit hammered yesterday. I’ve been under a lot of pressure and I really needed to blow off steam.
Apparently I wasn’t the only one. Randy showed up an hour late, looking like death warmed over. I couldn’t be too tough on him ’cause my ass was dragging too.
I’ve noticed he’s started staying later. I don’t know whether it’s a renewed level of commitment or if he’s just trying to train Tony. Kind of nice to see.
On one of the shift changes I heard them talking about a friend of theirs. Apparently she’s a bit of a slut. And get this…her name is Mary! How perfect is that? I told them to invite her over if they wanted.
I get the feeling the ball is rolling. I have two apostles, and if I can talk some sense into Mary I’ll have my reformed whore. That’s a bonus really, because I hadn’t even counted on that. And despite my earlier misgivings about Randy, he really seems to be putting in an effort. Every time I come into the office he’s on the phone and like I said, he’s been putting in a lot of extra hours. Usually he’s in the office when I get there and he’s still there when I leave.
He’s also been bringing some things from home. I’m all in favor of people personalizing their workspaces, but he’s been bringing boxes of stuff. I don’t want to say anything just yet, because his performance has really improved, and with the hours he’s been putting in I think it’s reasonable to allow him a bit of leeway.
Friday July 6
I think I’ve been keeping my focus a bit narrow. I’m trying to follow a kind of Jesus template, but that’s over two thousand years old. It really needs to be updated for the new millennium.
A lot of it is good solid stuff, but medical science has taken care of a lot of diseases that Jesus used to have to deal with. I don’t need to worry too much about polio or whooping cough…that kind of thing. And I really don’t want to take on the AMA. They are tough.
So what are the big issues?
1. Poverty
Even Jesus admitted there wasn’t much you can do about this one. But maybe that’s where a modern day Messiah can up the ante. I’ll have to think about that
2. Stupidity
A bigger problem now than it was back then. Maybe I can whip up some kind of “smartness miracle.” Something that stops people from being such knobs.
3. Intolerance
The world is chock full of people who are just plain intolerant of others. I hate people like that. I wish they’d all just die.
4. Demonic Possession
And, of course, by this I mean lawyers. And probably the IRS. But how far can you go with this? There are just so many of them.
I know there are more. This is going to have to be an ongoing list, but it’s late, and I’m tired.
Saturday July 7
That settles it. This is war!
I heard a knock on the door today. And I got all excited, because nobody ever knocks on the door. Randy and Tony have keys, so I figure finally the people are starting to come to me.
I open the door and there is a burning paper bag. And like a schmuck I did the natural thing and stomped it out. It’s the oldest gag in the world, and I fell for it. I could’ve just done a quick water miracle.
But here’s the worst part. They left a note.
“We know where thou art living.”
So it’s me and the Amish. Like I wasn’t going to figure out who the hell wrote that. They didn’t even try to disguise it.
And after I put out the fire, and I’m sitting there with cow crap on my shoe, I hear giggling and hoof beats.
Okay…it’s Amish = 2, Messiah = 0. They are at the top of my to-do list.
I gotta find some locusts…
Monday July 9
Part of being the Messiah is self control. I have to get that through my thick skull.
Okay, Mary is really kind of slutty. But I could’ve handled the whole situation better. Tony brought her by when he came in for his shift and I… well, damn it, there’s just so much potential there. She really is perfect for this.
I took one look at her and completely blew my game plan. My original idea was to take it slow. Gain her confidence and then go in for the save. But I started improvising. Not even improvising really. I decided to try out a classic. I went outside and picked up a bunch of rocks and brought them inside. Then I yelled, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!”
And they all just kind of stared at me, because of course they weren’t even talking about what a whore Mary was.
Then I just kind of lost it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I tried to explain myself, but blurted out exactly what Tony and Randy thought about Mary. She started crying, they told her I was crazy, I got all flustered and started throwing rocks..
Hey! I’m the damn Messiah! If anyone gets to throw rocks it’s me!
This isn’t going well…
Tuesday July 10
I just wonder why I bother.
Tony and Randy are refusing to talk to me. They sit there whispering to each other and when I walk into the room they just clam up. I know they’re talking about me.
I can understand the allure of the dark side. I was up all night thinking about it. I’m going crazy trying to save all of humanity, and humanity doesn’t seem to give a rat’s ass. Every time I try to save somebody they either freak out or they take advantage of me.
So I took stock of the situation last night. I can keep going for Messiah-hood, or I can do a 180 and make a play for Antichrist. There’s a lot of thinking to do here. I’m not making any more snap decisions. Every time I make a snap decision things go completely screwy. So until I’m putting myself in neutral until I settle this.
I’m still going after the Amish, though. I got another note.
“Thou art a rogue, buffoon and a scallywag!”
It was written in charcoal on the front door. I had to look up rogue and scallywag, but I kind of knew what they were going for. I have to nip this in the bud, because Randy and Tony are still working here. And even though things are a bit tense, they are still my apostles (or minions, depending). But they are a bit vulnerable right now. If the Amish wanted an inside man…
Well, let’s just say this is exactly the kind of scenario that creates double agents.
Wednesday July 11
MESSIAH
Pros:
Only one.
Don’t have to shave or get a hair cut.
Everyone worships you.
Potential for huge amounts of endorsement money.
Can do miracles.
Whatever you say gets written down. Theoretically.
Poster child for all that is good and right.
Cons:
Likely to get crucified.
Only one example to follow. Makes it tough to learn.
Everyone laughs when you say you’re the Messiah.
Lepers are creepy.
Miracles are tougher to do than I originally anticipated.
Expected to be available 24-7.
ANTICHRIST
Pros:
Wanton sex.
Evil without guilt.
Look good in red.
Human sacrifice of enemies easier than creating plagues.
Can send hell hounds to attack the Amish.
Cons:
Almost universally hated.
The smell of sulphur.
Late nights.
Don’t like heavy metal music.
Oh, I don’t know…
Thursday July 12
I’ve decided to forgive Randy and Tony for making me go so far overboard when Mary was here. I sent them a memo. Still no response.
That being said, I think Randy might be taking advantage of me. He is moving more and more stuff into the office. I think the son of a bitch is living there! He’s taken up pretty much all of the storage space. I shouldn’t be surprised. All of the signs were there. He brought his toothbrush and left it in the bathroom the second day he showed up. I just thought he was very conscientious about his dental hygiene.
I don’t know what to do about this. If I confront him, it could turn nasty. First of all, he’s a lot bigger than me. Second, the Amish are out there somewhere. If I push him further away, that can only make their offer more attractive. When they make an offer.
Jesus didn’t have this trouble with his apostles. His apostles were like, “Whatever you say, Jesus. You the man.”
Except for Thomas. Thomas was like, “Prove that you the man.” But he came around.
Oh, yeah! And Judas! Judas was like, “You might be the man, but I’m low on cash right now and…”
What if Randy is my Judas? I’m not able to pay him right now… And the Amish…
I’ll tell Randy he can stay.
Friday July 13
Randy tried to deny that he was living here and started to get all huffy, but when I told him it was okay, he relaxed a bit. It actually turned into a pretty productive little talk.
We hashed out the whole Mary incident. He has a point. It was pretty un-cool of me to spill the beans about Mary’s whorishness. Particularly since, and I didn’t know this, he’s been trying to get her in the sack.
Officially I can’t condone that. But hey, I was young once. I remember. And as Messiah, I haven’t really set a policy on sex. I have to remember to do that.
So we cleared the air, and he assured me that he hadn’t been contacted by the Amish and even if he were contacted he wouldn’t give them the time of day. That made me feel a lot better. I tell you, a loyal apostle is a great thing to have around.
I haven’t talked to Tony yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be cool about it, too.
On a side note, this being Friday the thirteenth and all, I ran the idea of making a switch and going for Antichrist past Randy. He seemed to like the idea. A lot. Not sure what to think about that…
Saturday July 14
Okay, so I’ve been getting a bit philosophical about this whole thing. Thinking about the duality of man’s nature, good and evil and that kind of stuff.
What I’ve been thinking is that really there is no reason that I can’t go for Messiah and Antichrist. Why not? To my knowledge nobody has ever tried this before. I can pretty much invent this position on my own.
It will require making some substantial changes to my business plan. And a whole new lexicon. For instance, I would no longer be able to refer to Randy and Tony as “apostles,” since that term has a more salvation oriented connotation. But I can’t call them “minions” either, because that term implies that they are focused solely on works of a darker nature.
And exactly how would I distribute the Messiah and the Antichrist duties. You can’t really be the Messiah on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then be the Antichrist on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, can you?
Couple of things I know for sure. The office is closed on Sunday! No good or evil on Sunday. And Messiah or Antichrist, the Amish are still gonna get it.
Monday July 16
Mary came in and I had a chance to apologize. I think she bought it. It was a great apology, if I do say so myself. Fortunately I was in “Messiah” mode when she came in. If I had been in “Antichrist” mode I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Somehow the act of apologizing doesn’t really seem evil enough.
I invited Mary to stay for the staff meeting. Never had one of these, and I think it really did some good. Got us all on the same page. Put our ducks in a row.
I think Randy and Tony are a bit confused about the new direction the organization is taking. I can hardly blame them, since I’m not quite sure how this is going to work myself. But I think I managed to get them excited about the idea of doing something that’s never been done before.
Randy in particular latched on to the Antichrist angle, but he’s young and listens to that kind of music. Boy, is he going to be disappointed when I start making some changes in the criteria for evil.
That’s really been the big development over the weekend. I thought about it, and I asked myself, “Who really defines what is good and what is evil?” Well, given my dual job title, seems like that is pretty much my department.
Tuesday July 17
Showed up at the office today and found the door knob covered with freshly churned butter. Bastards. When I hit back, it’s going to be hard and decisive.
It’s been a full month now, and I’ve given myself a sort of performance review.
Miracles: Need work in this area. Haven’t gotten beyond a few simple water based miracles, and have utterly failed in calling down a plague of leprosy infested locusts on the Amish. The latter operation has been transferred to the Antichrist department, which I feel is more suited to the task.
Taking the message to the people: Once again, not so hot. My one real attempt at obtaining a multitude ended poorly. And efforts to reach the people on a smaller scale have been… well, actually a bit better there. The guy at the convenience store on the corner has been calling me “Messiah,” but I’m not entirely sure he knows what the word means. My guess is he thinks that’s my name.
Overall, not a very stellar review, but keep in mind that it’s only been a month, and I’ve been laying down a lot of business infrastructure. That stuff takes time.
Wednesday July 18
Promoted Tony to Vice President of Messiah Operations and, against my better judgment, put Randy at the head of the Antichrist department. Mary has been officially brought on board as receptionist.
So it’s starting to feel like a real office around here. There is still the issue of paying my employees, but I’m looking into grants. Not so much an issue with Randy, since I’m letting him live here rent free. Not so much a problem with Mary, either, since she has a night job. But I’d like to go to a regular nine to five work day. That means Tony would have to quit his day job.
Still working on the division of good and evil. We did manage to eliminate one area of confusion. My employees couldn’t tell whether I was speaking as Messiah or Antichrist. So I had a couple of hats made. One says “Savior of Mankind,” and the other says “King of Pain and Suffering.” Haven’t had a problem since.
Randy, quite astutely, noted that there may be certain legal repercussions to calling myself “King of Pain and Suffering.” It seems that Sting called dibs on “King of Pain” in 1983. My reaction is that he hasn’t really done much with the title since then, and as far as I’m concerned it’s public domain. If he wants to go head to head with the Antichrist, then bring it on. Speaking as the Antichrist (i’ve got the hat on even as I write this) I will subject his soul to unfathomable tortures.
Note: Work on Antichrist rhetoric. “Unfathomable torture” is so vague.
Thursday July 19
The business plan has taken several twists and turns, but I think it’s starting to solidify. The addition of the Antichrist title seems to be the key to the whole thing. Really opened it up.
The whole idea behind the Messiah is to promote peace, fight evil, cure sickness, blah blah blah. You know. All the good stuff.
The purpose of the Antichrist is exactly the opposite. Nurture evil, condone bad behavior, promote ill will…
It occurs to me that, in order to clean up the world as Messiah, I need to get it good and dirty as the Antichrist. This realization put the whole operation on track. We have adopted a three point strategy:
1. Antichrist Operations creates havoc and corrupts the souls of mankind.
2. Messiah Operations comes in and, to the praise of multitudes, cleans up the mess made by Antichrist Operations.
3. Repeat as necessary.
I tell you, we are definitely on to something…
Friday July 20
It has occurred to me that, while there is a single good role model for budding Messiahs, the number of role models for Antichrist is absolutely mind boggling. I hardly know where to begin. Nostradamus said there were three of them, but he was just guessing. There are at least, by my count, two hundred and seventeen of them. And that’s 20th century Antichrists! I haven’t even started to dig back through history.
To be fair, none of them ever came out and said, “I’m the Antichrist!” Except maybe Charles Manson (but he’s nuts). Seriously, if it walks like an Antichrist, talks like an Antichrist and acts like an Antichrist, odds are it’s an Antichrist.
I guess it’s kind of like looking for Messiah stuff in people like Mother Teresa and Paul Newman. They aren’t the Messiah (I am) but they have some good ideas. Same with Stalin and the CEO of Walmart, whoever the hell he is. Not the Antichrist (I am), but really had some evil concepts mastered.
I guess I can kind of pick and choose. I mean, after all, I am the final word on this stuff. And I’ve always thought that absolute good or absolute evil was, well, a bit cliche. I think I want to move away from such black and white concepts into more grayish areas. Really, whats the point if all I’m going to do is maintain the status quo?
Saturday July 21
Things are really starting to cook now. We are going to put the new plan into action next Tuesday.
We have chosen a mall in the suburbs. There has to be a crowd. I don’t want to go into the details yet, because if anyone gets their hands on this information, the whole thing falls to pieces. Let’s just say that, if it goes the way we’ve mapped it out, I could propel myself well ahead of schedule.
I have to be sure to keep my enthusiasm under control. In the past it has been my downfall. I get all exited and everything I had planned just goes right out of my head. Then I start improvising and the whole thing falls to pieces.
Tony has proved to be a voice of reason. Randy and I were really getting the Antichrist portion of the whole thing mapped out, and we were bouncing ideas off of each other, and the whole thing was getting bigger and bigger. We had almost forgotten Tony was in the room.
We had gotten to the point where someone was going to get killed and I was going to resurrect them right there in the mall. Tony, ever the realist, brought up the fact that I had yet to successfully perform any sort of medical miracle.
That’s exactly what I was talking about. I get carried away.
Monday July 23
Spent the day hammering out the details, mapping out entrances and exits and basically polishing the whole thing. The whole staff is involved. We even found a part for Mary.
I, of course have the most to do. I start as the Antichrist, and then I have to shift into Messiah mode. I’m not sure if I can do it with just the hats. Randy and Tony tried to talk me out of it, but I think for the multitude to really get the whole idea I’m going to have to make the change a bit more…elaborate.
I really do want to bring things up to date, but I’m afraid that, for the people to understand what’s going on, I may have to stick to more traditional imagery. As much as I hate the idea of doing the “flowing white robe” versus the “red jump suit and horns” thing, I may be stuck with it for a while.
Randy and Tony…even Mary…seemed to think that it diminished the effect of our plan, but I put my foot down. I know they just want the whole thing to go over well, but I am the Messiah and the Antichrist. I make the final decision.
We’re just starting out. We can’t really afford to be subtle right now.
Tuesday July 24, 2001
As I write this, we are on the way to the mall. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited.
Before we do this, I just want to say how proud I am of my “team.” They’ve really put everything they’ve got into this. When this is over the success is due, in some small part, to them. Mary even found the time to put out a press release. Now that is really going above and beyond the call of duty. When I am able to start paying them, she is definitely getting a raise.
There is the overwhelming sense that we are on the cusp of a turning point in the history of good and evil. Until now, it has been something to search for. You were never quite sure where it would pop up.
Now, for the first time, people will be able to tell exactly when and where Good will battle Evil. It’s one stop shopping. If you subscribe to the newsletter (Tony’s idea) you will know at least a month in advance.
Not only that, but if this goes well, I can see it touring. People could actually book us for private events. “Come to the Ramada for the Annual Gardening Show and see the battle between Good and Evil!”
There is no end to the possibilities. The sky’s the limit…
copyrght 2008 Hidden Badger Productions?