Tonight I have hit one of my depression low points. I am going to try to describe it as best I can. This may be unique to me, and doubtless many elements of it are, but I will try to put it down clearly. It’s still here, so I’m not sure how successful I will be.

I am doing this so that anyone who is dealing with depression might see a part of it and know it is not just them. I am also doing this for those who have a depressive in their lives, in hope that they will recognize something and understand a bit more.

Earlier today I was involved in a number of simultaneous political “discussions”. At a certain point they all became a whole. Each discussion appeared to me as a copy of the others, and all of them indicative of every futile, pointless, polarizing discussion I have ever had. As far as I can tell, this was where it started.

My immediate environment started to take on this dynamic. All stimulus had the same importance. Everything I had to do had to be done immediately, and all of it was the highest priority. I became overwhelmed, and no logical, rational argument could push it down. 

The failure of my usual tricks made me angry, which built on the anger I had already felt from the political discussions. This is how the spiral perpetuates. 

The next thing that hit was anxiety. I was literally vibrating; a live nerve ending. My hands were shaking, and it felt as though every muscle in my body was wound tight.

Reason and logic were not working, and there was a part of me that became afraid that this was permanent, although the rational side of me screamed that it had happened before, and was never permanent. Each time it happens it feels permanent.

I started deep breathing, focusing on each breath. This was the point where I  considered medication. If I had taken something, that would have been it. I would have been out until tomorrow morning. I hate doing that, because it feels like giving up.

I forced myself to eat, even though the idea was nauseating. It helped.

The anxiety has now subsided, and as usual it has been replaced by something as bad. Sometimes it is worse.

This is the numbness. Nothing, and I  mean absolutely nothing gives me any pleasure. Nothing excites me. I sit in a chair and stare at the floor. I am an emotional flatline.

This can last for a couple of hours, a couple of days…weeks…who knows. I will spend that time forcing myself to eat, dress, and bathe. Leaving the house takes a herculean effort. The majority of my time will be in the chair. Leaving the chair is a victory.

Outward appearances would suggest there is nothing happening, but that is not the case. Internally, everything is happening. I am throwing everything I can at the nothingness; screaming at it, cajoling, arguing, tricking….

Sometimes I let it win. I have no more energy for the fight, so yes. It wins until I  can fight again. Then, one day, out of the blue, something attracts my attention and I follow that out of the hole. At that point I redefine “normal”, and pick up everything and move forward from there.

I don’t know if this will help anyone, and honestly I am not sure what of this is unique to me or what is common. The important thing is to try to communicate this and generate some understanding. 
The worst part for the depressive and the people who care for them is the stigma. And fuck that. The more people who try to make it understood, the better.

Much love to you all. You are not alone.