Congratulations on the purchase of your new Faltech Phantom Powered Cellular Reconfiguration Device version 7.0. At Faltech we are certain that with proper care and maintenance your PPCRD will provide years of fun and satisfaction. 

Please note: If you are upgrading from version 6.3942, it is advisable to back up your device prior to assembly.

[Versions prior to 6.3942 are no longer supported, and Faltech is not responsible for any damage to data or structural degradation caused by improper disposal of the device. Please destroy the device in a well ventilated area away from homes, businesses and livestock]

You are just a few short steps away from using your new Faltech PPCRD. Just follow these easy assembly instructions, and we’ll have you up and running in no time. Please follow the instructions closely. Any deviation could result in damage to the unit or the immediate area and void your warranty. Faltech is not responsible for any damage relating to faulty or arrogant assembly, or attempts to modify parts. 

Turn to pages 3, 9, and 14 of the assembly manual, and lay out the parts as diagrammed. Place the black box in a dark, moist, secure place as far as possible from children, pets, or other living things. 

Locate the spatular frame pictured on page 2, and place it in the center of a clear, dry, dimly lit work area as pictured on page 97. Using the 3 antibular bolts, attach the arc latency sprocket to the exterior of the frame if you have purchased the basic model, or the interior of the frame on the deluxe model. Be certain that the sprocket spins freely. 

Align the teeth of the sprocket with the top of the frame, and line up the free floating dispersal mechanism with the teeth of the arch sprocket. Apply two drops of the supplied lubricant to both the sprocket and the retaining gear on the exterior of the free floating dispersal mechanism on the basic model, or the interior on the deluxe model. Bolt the free floating dispersal mechanism in place with twenty seven 3/4 inch lag bolts (not included). 

Periodically check the black box to be certain it is still where you left it. If not, locate the black box and return it to it’s original place. If necessary, place a large, heavy item on top of the black box to prevent relocation. If at any time you are unable to locate the black box, immediately call the emergency number on the front of the assembly manual and lock yourself and your loved ones in a dark, moist, secure place and remain silent until you receive further instructions. 

With the free floating dispersal mechanism in place and lubricated, identify the power supply by following the cord extending from the spatular frame to the manual three function attenuating switch. 

Take care to avoid touching the manual three function attenuating switch. Doing so could inadvertently activate the modular tantricular exponentiator. That may result in the random loss of life in the immediate area and void your warranty. 

With your thumb and forefinger, pick up the manual three function attenuating switch placement tool (included in the deluxe model) and gently place the manual three function attenuating switch in the socket labeled “Avert Your Eyes” on the spatular frame. 

If you have purchased the basic model, attempt to nudge the manual three function attenuating switch into position with a wooden stick or an unwanted child. Under no circumstances use metal to place the manual three function attenuating switch. 

Once the manual three function attenuating switch is in position, use the included arc welding tool to secure it in place. 

Retrieve the black box from its holding place, and gently carry it to your work area. Place the black box in the only remaining empty space on the spatular frame. Using a clean, dry, lint free cloth, massage the black box until the retaining tentacles extend and fasten themselves to the frame. 

It is normal for the black box to scream during this process. If this occurs, remain calm, cover the black box with the enclosed dark cloth and say the soothing things listed on page 5, 17 and 9 of this manual, in that order, while lighting the enclosed candles. Take care to place the cloth with the symbols and lettering facing upward. Say the soothing things exactly as written, whether you understand them or not. 

Leave the cloth over the black box and place the entire PPCRD assembly into a dark, moist place for at least 24 hours. Do not attempt to activate the unit before the 24 hours has passed, or the screaming has stopped. Activating the unit prematurely could irreparably damage the fabric of time and space, and void your warranty. 

Faltech assumes no responsibility for damage to the fabric of time and space. 

And voila!  Your Faltech phantom powered cellular reconfiguration device is assembled and ready to use. Please follow the instruction manual volumes 2 through 5 to the letter. Failure to do so will result in unspeakable horrors and void your warranty.

And remember, there  is no “i” in Faltech, even though there should be.