“I want to die.”

For years that was my first thought in the morning, and the thought I took to bed with me. It was always there in the background, waiting for the opportunity to break through my cognitive thoughts to take the center stage. 

When I learned what it was, I had control over it. 

It comes from the binary part of the brain, the part that can only communicate in absolutes. Yes/no, black/white, good/bad. It is primal, and incapable of nuance.

It is a deeply felt, desperate desire for change. You want change at the very core of your being, and the binary part of the brain expresses it in an absolute. 

On/off.

Live/die. 

Once you accept that, you can replace the “I want to die” with the more accurate, nuanced thought that it is. 

“I want change.” 

So much of depression lies in patterns of thought. Break those patterns, shout down the damaging thoughts and replace them.

You don’t want to die. You want change.

Change you can do. Change is possible.